||[Aug. 16th, 2005|09:30 am]
I no longer know what to do. I've been with this guy for two years, dating pretty seriously. We met our senior year of high school things were going really well...Then we went off to College, separate colleges 3 hours apart from one another. We've been this strong dependency on each other where we would visit one another on the weekends. We loved each other so much but arguments started... The long distances were really hard. I felt depressed and would cut myself it was hard and at times I'd fly back home to be with family because I was so homesick. Anyway... we fought and fought over the stupidest things. I then transfered to the school where my boyfriend was. I did not go there because he was there.... I actually was accepted there 1st semester but didnt want to go to the same school because I felt that there would be wayy too much dependency but I transfered to get into this program that I wanted to study.|
January when I first arrived things were a little cold towards one another had arguments here and there, but we had our good days. It just seems as though once we left home things started to fall apart. I mean dont get me wrong, the relationship we had was healthy. So febuary came around and things just got worse and worse and we became distant. He was upset that I was making more friends than him and I had only been there for one month. As a side note, 1st semester I did not go out at all to show that he can trust me you know... anyway so we started to do our own things. As Febuary came to an end we decided to take a break because the arguments just got worse and worse... So we hardly spoke it was really sad and upseting because he was my best friend.... I started to go and meet new people, try and make new friends it was hard because alot of the times I did not want to go out because he was always on my mind and I wanted to be with him. I guess by me not going out as much 1st smester I needed to get my energy out. He was ready to settle and I wasnt I mean dont get me wrong 18 years old I want to go out and have some fun first you know. He admitted later on he was controlling a bit but also on my part I wasnt thinking of his feelings in which I should have.
Anyway... So I had a bad experience in the past 2 years ago where ever since I've had big issues being alone with a guy. So I've always had this (i know im a dork but w.e) buddy system thing with a close friend that we'd stick together no matter what... so when a guy wanted to hang out I'd always ask to hangout as a group and I'd bring a few friends along, so what if I didnt get to know the guy one on one but at the same time, I felt more comfortable around people I knew and trusted. I kissed a guy at the end of the school year but it meant nothing at all.. I wasnt looking for a relationsihp and he commented that the kiss we had felt like his 5 year old cousin would kiss him goodbye... I was like uhhhhhh ok?!?!?! lol messed up but whatever it meant nothing. Through all this time it was hard because I kept thinking about my ex. There's a reason as well why he broke up with me. When I was at a kegger I was with friends and we were all just joking around and a friend and I for a silly reason gave the "peck" face but later on in the pic looking at it looks like we were kissing and I guess it was bad... and my boyfriend didnt know what to think and it was understandble... and he wouldnt want to talk to me... I mean my friend that was in the picture with me is gay.... so I dunno... anyway.... So summer arrived and we havent really spoken or seen each other... we lost touch or I guess you can say cut communicating for about a good month... and started to talk it was hard at first being 'just' friends but it was nice to see him than not seeing him at all.
Beginning of June, I had mentioned to him that I was sick from the pregnancy I had with him a year 1/2 ago... I dunno if it was out of pitty or because he really wanted to at first but started to hang out... later on I knew it's because he wanted to. Anyway, he held a get together where he drank ALOT with his friends and did his own thing, he thought that this get together would help me be a little happier and not to think much of the worst that could happen... so I got to see my friends and I was happy. Anyway so he got really really drunk pretty much close to alcohol poisining, everyone left to go to a party and I ended up staying at taking care of him. Yes, we were only friends and I didnt have to stay and I could have gone to the party with my friends but I loved him and still cared and I mean if I were in that position I knew he would do the same for me...so I made sure he was still breathing and he was alright. I would check up on him almost every 10 minutes... I didnt get much sleep but i was worried. The next morning he didnt remember anything so I had to tell him the entire story... since that night it was like we became closer as friends... still hard being 'just' friends but it was nice...
Later on, two weeks, I wrote him this note, because earlier in the summer he wanted to know how I felt and I didnt have the right words really so I told him I would let him know when I knew what I wanted to say... and I wrote him this letter with a card and it's like he rejected me, I was so upset and devistated but we started talking and ended up hanging out the rest of the night and we ended up sleeping together... and since then we started to fool around we didnt know what was going on, sort of confusing, it felt right at times and it felt wrong at times but we still loved each other and missed each other. We'd hangout everyday without the affection towards one another it was nice. As July came along I went to Canada for vacation for 2 weeks.... we tried to keep in touch as much but the long distance was hard because I had family things to deal with and he was working everyday. When I came back a couple days after I came back, we went out for dinner and a movie. We talked alot about our past relationship with one another and questioned how things would be. We truly opened up at dinner and at times I wanted to cry but I managed to hold it all in. Later on that evening as we were getting ready to see a movie, he asked me "why dont we give it another shot" and I was happy but surprised at the same time to hear him as that. I was not sure if I wanted to because we did argue alot in the past and was really hurt and I didnt want to get hurt again and he said that if it didnt work out we'd promise each other to remain best friends and still be there for each other.... so I said alright... it was weird to go back again to dating the holding hands and affection it was weird but took time to adapt to. So things were going well... we agreed that the relationship would only work if there was trust and communication so we started to communicate more. If something was wrrong we'd talk about it and we did. It's like we became closer in a way and I was somewhat starting to get happy or feel what happy was like. It was like a natural high...
Beginning of August his friend from school Mike, came down to visit him... and I dont really like the kid because I felt like he was a bad influence on my boyfriend but I didnt know him much so I gave it another chance to get to know him. So my bf had a last get together on a friday and alot of people showed up... we drank alot and caught up with friends it was nice... but my boyfriend didnt talk to me as much and I guess it was understandble bc there were guests but it bothered me because he'd have his hand around my friend and talked to her face pretty close... it was as though he were talking to her more than me... and I guess it was a form of jealousy but Im sure he wouldnt like it if I were like that to a guy that close to his face... anyway I got sick later on in the night and almost passed out outside.. he didnt care to see how I was and it hurt because earlier in the summer I was there for him.. and he got all upset.. an yway I tried to talk about it in the morning and he'd deny it but w.e he apologies so I was like hm ok he does care ok. Saturday night he went to his dad's house with his friend and mentioned to me that he wanted to hang out, so I invited him and his friend over and to ask other people to come but he told me they were too tired and wanted to stay at his dad's. Later on I find out they went out I just wish he was honest... We planned to go to the beach monday and tuesday so we tried to plan it out sunday night... on the phone he was cold and bitter... when I wasnt done talking he thought I was done and yelled out "BYE" and I asked if I could finish and he yelled "hurry the fuck up" and he's never like that he's always sweet and kind.. so I didnt knwo what was going on. He then avoided me for several days... I find out from a friend that my bf was avoiding me because "I slept around at school, and cheated on him" It hurt that people would say such a thing because I'm honestly not like that. I've NEVER EVER EVER cheated on him. I believe no person deserves that at all to be cheated on. and a cheater has no self dignity or respect for people. Yes I will agree that we've lied towards one another but I would never lie in a way that would hurt the relationship. I dont understand! Yes I did kiss a guy but that was when we broke up. I mean he kissed a girl in september when we were TOGETHER and told me in April... he asked me if I did anything with a guy and I should have flat out told him about kissing a guy but I didnt think it was that big... i still should have been open about it. I do remember when I came back from school I spoke to a few girls... and they thought I'd move on fast from him so I didnt want to seem like wuss or like a dependent freak on him so I made up crap that I moved on from him and got with all these guys... but I never thought that would get back to him... I mean one of my friends she even commented what a bad liar I was and knew by just looking at me that I loved my bf too much to do that... and it was silly and stupid for me to do but I just hate it when people make fun of me... and it didnt cross my mind and I should have told him but I didnt think it mattered. I mean he knows my past and he knows that I get uncomfortable around guys alone. I wouldnt be in a room alone with a guy I didnt know or a guys he didnt know like my guys friends from home I was fine because I really knew them... but he doesnt believe me.. and I dont blame him I mean people will believe the worst. If I cheated on him while we were together, why would I be around all the argument why would I stick around to try and fix it, why would i cry every night wanting to fix things with him? He yelled at me saying that he didnt hate me but I feel like he does. He told me I was a mistake everything was a mistake getting back together and loving me was a mistake.
It hurts sooo much to wake up everyday and know that everything was a mistake to him.... I mean god I should have been honest with my girlfriends... I just dont know what to do... I wrote him a letter explaining everything but he prob thinks that Im just lying and I dont know what to do... and this is where I'm asking for your advice... I never cheated on him. I did so much and went out of my way for him why would I cheat on someone I love that's what I dont get?!?!?! WHAT DO I DO!?!?! i feel like he's not going to talk to me anymore... and he hasnt. We go to the same university just live like 2 minutes away... we weont have internet or a phone right when we get there bc we will be living in a new house separate houses... do I give him his space not communicating and then stop by his place and tyr to talk to him? or let him come to me?! it's not even that i just really want to make him see that I am telling the truth... I feel like im in a movie where a crime as been committed and i'm on death row for it and I didnt even commit the crime you know... I've been crying everyday straight had no motivation on going out and became suicidal... i feel like I have nothing to live for... and i havent done anything stupid because I keep hoping the next day that he will realize the truth and speak to me.. but I dont even know if he read my email that i wrote to him or not.
I NEED YOUR HELP because im starting to become depressed and I've almost done stupid things that I'm getting sent away for help before school and I just need ur help on giving me advice on what to do. He's my life, my sanity! I used to cut and was depressed but he helped me stop and he taught me what love was and he was my best friend and it's like a huge part of me is missing... please help... - as many people as possible would be nice to hear just to see what you guys say I would truly appreciate it.... as you can see I am truly upset... and falling into a depression over something stupid I did... from now I im sticking to the truth and not making up stuff just to try and make myself feel better... and to be honest no matter how much people will make fun of me... it was a mistake and he's never going to believe me. I just hope that one day he realizes that I was telling the truth.... I pray.